Seek first to understand. You’ve heard the phrase I’m sure. Have you ever thought about how to go about it or why you should try? Each of us was raised in a unique environment, learning different ways of interacting with the world around us. When we encounter a person with a completely different way of operating in the world from our own we have an opportunity to build relationship, but it will take effort. If we do not seek first to understand we will likely do one of two things. We will either judge the person and their actions, or we will react negatively to the person and the situation. Both of these options break relationship. Here is an example of this concept.

Kristina was always missing her appointments. She would fail to follow through on plans we made together that were for her benefit. As her case worker I believed that I was doing my part to nurture her success, and I began to believe that she didn’t care and didn’t want to change her circumstances. At that point I knew that my judgements of her, and my reactions to her, were breaking down our working relationship. I also knew that if I continued with this course soon Kristina would be labeled as “uncooperative” and the assistance she received from our agency would stop. I would have to try and gain an understanding of what the barriers were for Kristina if I wanted to help her be successful.

To understand Kristina I needed to acknowledge that she and I had different experiences of how the world works. I had to understand that the life I had been born into was more stable, had “achievement” as its driving force, and afforded me certain privilege that came from being born closer to the goal. My understanding of the world was based on how I had seen society operate. I had to recognize that I had been raised with stable sources of food, so I could be curious about preference rather than be consumed by the desperation of scarcity doing whatever was necessary to secure a meal. I had to acknowledge that the success I was pushed to achieve in school replayed in my work to the point of being so concerned with my career that time with friends and family took second place. If I could be successful I could have more to give those people I loved. This success also afforded me a stable home in a safe neighborhood and reliable transportation to get me to that very important job each day. I had to see that my stable life, driven by achievement, was different from Kristina’s. So, when I sat down to talk with Kristina about her missed appointments, I started by asking her to tell me about the people in her life, and who she relies on day to day. She told me about the gruff and volatile man who lets her and her daughter live in his run down extremely isolated house in exchange for her housework and cooking. She told me that since she never learned to drive that she has to wait for someone else willing to bring her to our office and that finding someone to do that at specific times is nearly impossible. She told me about the father of her daughter who still stalks her from prison and then of her own childhood full of abuse, scarcity and neglect. She told me about her friends who are the only “family” she can rely on and how they have helped her over the years when she needed a safe place to land.

I decided during that conversation that Kristina was a survivor, a problem solver and fiercely protective and loving mother. I began to understand that maintaining her relationships was vital to her survival. That even though some of those relationships weren’t what she wanted, they were all she had. That the tyranny of the moment that calls for her presence with any one of the people who help her day to day would always be a stronger demand on her time than her appointments with me.

Kristina and I then talked about what it would take for her to build a more stable life for herself and her daughter, the changes and the sacrifices that would need to occur. We made a new plan together based on her vision of what she wanted for her life. She began to understand that in order to be successful in school or work she would have to be able to keep her appointments. Planning ahead and having back up plans would have to become a part of her life. We set another appointment and if she wasn’t going to make it, she would call to let me know. She knew that she had an advocate and a new relationship based on mutual respect.